https://thetreasuryofpineriver.com/

The Treasury of Pine River, 106 2nd Street, Pine River, MN (2026)

09/12/2026

JASON: Tomorrow’s Saturday. We’re off until Monday. One more week until Ryan comes back.

DOUBLE-DOUBLE: Assuming Peru gives him back.

MEATBANE: I say we stop assuming.

SIR BEEFINGTON: Oh dear.

WUEBEN: Have you seen the pictures? He’s five days in and already looks like he’s forgotten Minnesota exists.

JASON: NOBODY IS TAKING OVER THE TREASURY.

MEATBANE: That sounds exactly like something a man losing control of the Treasury would say.

DOUBLE-DOUBLE: We already had a meeting.

JASON: YOU HAD A WHAT?!

WUEBEN: Succession planning.

SIR BEEFINGTON: I suggested patience.

MEATBANE: I suggested a coup.

JASON: THERE IS NO COUP. THERE WILL BE NO COUP. WHY AM I EVEN SAYING THE WORD COUP?!

MEATBANE: Because it’s gaining traction.

JASON: YOU ARE SANDWICHES.

DOUBLE-DOUBLE: And yet we formed a quorum.

JASON: YOU CANNOT HAVE A QUORUM. YOU ARE LUNCH.

WUEBEN: Jason appears stressed.

MEATBANE: Leadership vacuum.

JASON: THERE IS NO LEADERSHIP VACUUM!

SIR BEEFINGTON: He’s yelling again.

DOUBLE-DOUBLE: The real question is what comes back from Peru.

WUEBEN: Will Ryan remember the recipes?

MEATBANE: Will he remember Jason?

JASON: OF COURSE HE’LL REMEMBER ME.

WUEBEN: That sounded less convincing the second time.

DOUBLE-DOUBLE: What if he comes back enlightened?

MEATBANE: Worse. What if he starts putting quinoa on things?

JASON: NOBODY IS PUTTING QUINOA ON ANYTHING.

SIR BEEFINGTON: Then we lock the doors.

JASON: WHY ARE WE LOCKING DOORS?! NOBODY IS TAKING OVER THE TREASURY!

MEATBANE: Fine. “Temporary leadership correction.”

JASON: I NEED MONDAY TO GET HERE IMMEDIATELY.

To everyone who bought cinnamon rolls and helped send Ryan to Peru: thank you. Seriously. Five days in and the trip has been amazing.

Unfortunately, your generosity may have also created an international management crisis and pushed Jason noticeably closer to a nervous breakdown.

One more week.

Then we find out whether Ryan comes back refreshed, transformed…

…or whether Jason has changed…

09/06/2026

MEATBANE: Jason.

JASON: What?

MEATBANE: Monday is my birthday.

JASON: How do you figure?

MEATBANE: Because I said so.

JASON: That’s not really how birthdays work.

MEATBANE: I was spontaneously generated.

JASON: You were made in a kitchen.

MEATBANE: A kitchen is merely the physical location of my creation. I was born from the sacred union of ground beef, marinara, garlic, parmesan, and an industrial mixer.

JASON: That sentence made me tired.

MEATBANE: Since nobody knows my exact date of creation, I chose one.

JASON: And you chose Monday?

MEATBANE: Obviously.

JASON: And now you want us to close?

MEATBANE: It is my birthday. I expect respect.

JASON: Ryan’s gone for a few days and suddenly the meatballs are demanding holidays.

MEATBANE: Ryan understood me.

JASON: Ryan also once tried to put a meatball on a sandwich and call it a business strategy.

MEATBANE: A visionary.

JASON: A menace.

MEATBANE: So are we closing Monday or not?

JASON: Yes.

MEATBANE: REALLY?!

JASON: Yeah. You know what it’s like dealing with Ryan. We’re all on vacation.

MEATBANE: So my birthday is actually happening?!

JASON: No. We’re just tired.

MEATBANE: I’LL TAKE IT.

Monday we’re closed. Meatbane gets his completely fabricated birthday. Jason gets a day off. Everybody wins.

See you Tuesday for the Double-Double.

And Meatbane?

Happy birthday, you ridiculous little meatball.

09/04/2026

It’s CINNAMON ROLL DAY at the Treasury — and these aren’t your grandma’s cinnamon rolls.

We’ve got the ridiculous CHEESECAKE-INFUSED CINNAMON ROLLS, plus Pineapple Upside Down and Apple Pecan Cobbler.

And here’s the catch:

GET THEM TODAY.

We’re taking the next TWO WEEKS OFF while Ryan heads to Peru. He’s leaving after cinnamon rolls today, and once he’s gone… well, you’re on your own.

So come grab a roll, stock up, and help support Ryan’s Peru adventure one gloriously excessive cinnamon roll at a time.

Because two weeks is a long damn time to go without these things.

09/03/2026

RYAN: Jason, we need to talk about Sir Beefington.

JASON: We really don’t.

RYAN: We absolutely do. People need to understand what’s happening here.

JASON: It’s Thursday. Sir Beefington comes in. We make French dips.

RYAN: No. You’re making it sound ordinary.

JASON: Because it is, technically, a sandwich.

RYAN: Technically?! That roast beef has been marinated in a classified concoction, roasted with surgical precision, rested properly, shaved thin and placed lovingly on our fresh-baked sourdough hoagie.

JASON: You’re describing a sandwich like it has a trust fund.

RYAN: It has standards, Jason.

JASON: After all that, it’s still a sandwich.

RYAN: And the Mona Lisa is just a painting.

JASON: Here we go.

RYAN: Toasted sourdough. Provolone if you want it. Rich au jus. Chips. Pickle.

JASON: Five-dollar cheesecake?

RYAN: Obviously.

JASON: One-dollar cookies?

RYAN: Jason, please. Let the people have something to look forward to.

🕚 SIR BEEFINGTON • THURSDAY • 11 AM–2 PM

Come meet the legend.

The French dip is just what he happens to be bringing.

09/02/2026

It’s Wueben Day.

The crown jewel of the week.

The day when bread, beef, cheese, sauerkraut, and questionable organizational decisions come together in perfect harmony.

But beneath the toasted rye, there is unease.

Because word has reached Wueben that Ryan is leaving.

Not today.

Not tomorrow.

After the cinnamon rolls on Friday.

And now Wueben is forced to confront a horrifying possibility:

What happens when the guy who apparently knows where everything is… isn’t there?

Who will answer the questions?

Who will solve the problems?

Who will make the executive decisions?

Who will confidently walk into the kitchen, look around, and announce, “We’ve got a situation”?

Will the crew rise to the occasion?

Will they execute the plan?

Will production continue with the precision of a Swiss watch?

Or will someone stand in the middle of the kitchen on Saturday morning holding a spatula and quietly whisper:

“Does anybody know what Ryan normally does here?”

And then there’s the bigger question.

Does Ryan even care?

Because while everyone else is contemplating the structural integrity of the entire operation, Ryan is already mentally three time zones away.

Peru is calling.

The jungle is waiting.

The cinnamon rolls must be baked.

And somewhere between the last batch leaving the counter Friday and Ryan disappearing into the sunset, the Treasury will be handed over to the remaining survivors.

No pressure.

Just the entire operation.

Wueben would like to remind everyone that Wueben will continue to fulfill his responsibilities.

Wueben will show up.

Wueben will perform.

Wueben will not abandon the Treasury for international adventures.

Wueben has standards.

So enjoy Wueben Day, Treasurians.

Because today, everything is normal.

Tomorrow?

Who knows.

Friday?

Godspeed.

Saturday?

We may finally discover whether Ryan built a business… or simply created a place that requires Ryan to be standing in it at all times.

HAPPY WUEBEN DAY.

Eat boldly.

08/31/2026

Jason: Have we written down the recipes?

Meatbane: No.

Jason: Do we have a backup plan?

Meatbane: No.

Jason: Does anyone actually know how to make the meatballs if Ryan doesn’t come back?

Meatbane: …We should probably discuss that.

Jason: You think he’s coming back?

Meatbane: I think Ryan thinks he’s coming back.

Jason: That’s not the same thing.

Meatbane: Correct.

Because this is Ryan we’re talking about. The man has a very impressive track record of adventures, mishaps, questionable travel decisions and situations that begin with “Well, this should be fine.”

So, naturally, with Ryan leaving for Peru, the staff has begun asking the important questions:

Who has the recipes?
Who knows the meatball recipe?
Who knows what Ryan actually does around here?
And, most importantly… what happens to us if he doesn’t come back?

Nobody knows.

But what we do know is that it’s MEATBALL MONDAY.

Come get your meatballs.
Come say goodbye to Ryan.
Come meet Meatbane.
Come reassure Jason that everything is going to be okay.

Because Ryan says he’ll be back.

Meatbane remains unconvinced.

08/28/2026

JASON: Ryan, maybe mention the cinnamon rolls before people assume we’ve gone out of business.

RYAN: We’re open at 8.

JASON: Enthralling. What are we selling?

RYAN: Cinnamon rolls. Caramel rolls. Cobbler rolls.

JASON: And?

RYAN: They’re good.

JASON: Jesus Christ, Ryan. This is the second-to-last cinnamon roll morning before you run off to Peru.

RYAN: Fine. THEY’RE REALLY GOOD.

JASON: There he is.

RYAN: We’re here from 8 until about 10:30 or 11 — or until you people clean us out. Come get ’em.

08/27/2026

SIR BEEFINGTON: Ryan. We have a problem.

RYAN: That sounds serious.

SIR BEEFINGTON: It is serious. It’s Thursday. Thursday is my day. Roast beef. Fresh roasted beef. French dips. Hot au jus. Beef piled irresponsibly high on bread.

And yet people keep walking in here asking me questions like—

“What’s the cinnamon roll tomorrow?”
“What flavor are you guys doing?”
“Is this the one that’s supposed to blow us away?”

I don’t know what cinnamon roll you speak of.

RYAN: Well—

SIR BEEFINGTON: I. SELL. BEEF.

I am SIR BEEFINGTON.

Not Sir Cinnamonington.
Not Duke of Caramel Roll.
Not Baron von Cream Cheese.

JASON: They’re just excited.

SIR BEEFINGTON: About Friday.

Today is THURSDAY.

Do you walk into church on Wednesday and ask what they’re serving at the fish fry Friday?

RYAN: Sometimes.

SIR BEEFINGTON: Of course you do.

JASON: To be fair, this one might deserve a little advance attention.

SIR BEEFINGTON: Jason. Don’t encourage them.

JASON: I’ve seen the previews.

RYAN: And?

JASON: I probably shouldn’t say.

SIR BEEFINGTON: Excellent. Then don’t.

RYAN: Jason…

JASON: It’s apple.

SIR BEEFINGTON: Wonderful. An apple cinnamon roll. Civilization may now resume.

JASON: I didn’t say apple cinnamon roll.

RYAN: Uh-oh.

JASON: I said Apple Cobbler Cinnamon Roll.

SIR BEEFINGTON: …

JASON: Cinnamon roll. Apple cobbler. Cheesecake. All shoved into one completely unreasonable Friday-morning decision.

RYAN: You’ve already tried it, haven’t you?

JASON: I’ve seen enough.

RYAN: Verdict?

JASON: I don’t know how we’re supposed to outdo this one.

SIR BEEFINGTON: Are we finished?

JASON: Pretty much.

SIR BEEFINGTON: Good.

Because until tomorrow morning, your precious apple cobbler monstrosity does not exist.

TODAY IS THURSDAY.

And Thursday belongs to SIR BEEFINGTON.

Fresh-roasted beef.
French dips.
Hot au jus.

Come in and ask me about tomorrow’s cinnamon rolls one more time…

I’ll dip YOU in the au jus.

JASON: He won’t.

SIR BEEFINGTON: Nobody asked you, Jason.

08/26/2026

RYAN: Wueben.

JASON: Reuben.

RYAN: Wueben.

JASON: Ryan, changing one letter doesn’t make it a different sandwich.

RYAN: We roast our corned beef right here.

JASON: Yes, Ryan. Generally Reubens are made with corned beef.

RYAN: You missed the important part. We roast ours right here.

JASON: Okay. That’s actually a selling point.

RYAN: Thank you. Swiss cheese.

JASON: Reuben.

RYAN: Sauerkraut.

JASON: Reuben.

RYAN: House-made Thousand Island.

JASON: Still Reuben.

RYAN: All stacked on marble rye, buttered and toasted until it’s crispy outside, hot and melty inside, and just messy enough that you’re going to need both hands and probably a napkin.

JASON: That’s a damn good Reuben.

RYAN: Wueben.

JASON: I’m not calling it that.

RYAN: Fine.

JASON: Good.

RYAN: Then don’t eat one.

JASON: …

RYAN: What’s wrong?

JASON: Nothing.

RYAN: You want one.

JASON: Maybe half.

RYAN: Half of what?

JASON: Don’t do this.

RYAN: Half. Of. What.

JASON: The Wueben.

RYAN: I’m sorry?

JASON: THE WUEBEN.

RYAN: There it is.

JASON: I hate Wednesdays.

RYAN: No you don’t.

WUEBEN WEDNESDAY — 11–2.

We roast our corned beef right here. Swiss. Sauerkraut. House-made Thousand Island. Butter-toasted marble rye.

The Famous Wueben is ready.

08/25/2026

RYAN: Jason.

JASON: No.

RYAN: I haven’t even said anything yet.

JASON: It’s Tuesday. I know that look.

RYAN: There’s a chance of rain today.

JASON: Okay.

RYAN: I think we should help.

JASON: Help… the weather?

RYAN: Exactly. We need rain. The gardens need rain. The lawns need rain. The farmers need rain.

JASON: And you’ve been put in charge of precipitation?

RYAN: Temporarily.

JASON: Oh good.

RYAN: So today we’re performing a Cookie Rain Dance.

JASON: Absolutely not.

RYAN: Hear me out. If it is raining when you come in for your Double Double today, we’re throwing in a FREE chocolate chip cookie.

JASON: And this makes it rain how?

RYAN: Incentive.

JASON: For the clouds?

RYAN: Clouds are notoriously food motivated.

JASON: I don’t think that’s true.

RYAN: Have you ever offered one a cookie?

JASON: …no.

RYAN: Then we really don’t have enough data to argue about this.

JASON: Fine. What exactly are we feeding everyone?

RYAN: The Double Double — double-smoked ham, double-smoked bacon, two slices of American cheese, aioli, piled onto one of our fresh-baked sourdough hoagies, buttered and toasted.

JASON: And if it rains?

RYAN: COOKIE.

JASON: If it doesn’t rain?

RYAN: Keep dancing.

JASON: We are not actually dancing.

RYAN: Speak for yourself.

🌧️ THE TREASURY COOKIE RAIN DANCE 🌧️

If rain is falling when you come through the door for your Double Double today, the chocolate chip cookie is on us.

Come on, Pine River.

We need rain. Eat accordingly.

The Treasury of Pine River

09/12/2026

09/06/2026

09/04/2026

09/03/2026

09/02/2026

08/31/2026

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