03/31/2023
10 Pieces of Advice for Ranch Wives during Calving Season:
1. Never, I repeat NEVER wash the kids’ and your clothes together with your husband’s calving clothes. It doesn’t matter how much expensive smelly laundry stuff you put in the washer, they will always come out smelling like vaccine, afterbirth, and diesel fuel. If anyone has a solution to this annual problem I’m all ears!
2. Always be half-dressed in the house and ready to go outside to help at the drop of a hat; day or night. This will include wearing a wild rag, long johns, and wool socks indoors at all times.
3. Be sure to MAKE your children use the potty before dressing them like they are Ralphie’s little brother in ‘A Christmas Story’ before heading outdoors. Might not be a bad idea to use the potty yourself considering it’s so easy to pop a squat outside dressed in full body coveralls. And don’t you dare leave the house without an abundance of snacks stuffed in your pockets.
4. Never wash your husband’s coffee mug with soap or put it in the dishwasher. This precious mug has been crusted and seasoned with the holy brown water from GOD himself. It took months of work and grit to get this mug properly seasoned and will be grounds for WWIII if you even attempt to sanitize it.
5. Stock up on carpet and floor cleaner because your ranch dogs WILL throw up and crap in the house, in the middle of the night, from feasting on calf $h!t and that calving candy we call afterbirth.
6. Don’t forget to pay the bills and do your taxes! Actually, just forget it. You better just ask your accountant now for an extension and beg everyone for forgiveness for late payments.
7. Be ready to make a bottle of milk at all times. On that note, don’t forget to actually wash the bottles and pull chains. The entire kitchen sink area in your home will not be primarily used for food preparation during the next couple months. Better just get out the ‘ol crock pot!
8. Stock up on firewood during nice days in between spring storms. There’s nothing funner than taking a leisurely stroll to the South 40 back wood shed in the middle of a blizzard making a feeble attempt to save money on furnace fuel and propane heating your oversized toy box; I mean rustic ranch house.
9. Do NOT leave the house without your radio, or more importantly, your pocket knife! Nothing ticks the husband off more when you make him stop the tractor so you can crawl your happy a$$ up in the cab to borrow his knife to cut net wrap from the bales. Furthermore, do not forget to give the knife back to him! It will get lost or dropped in the deep abyss of mud, crap, hay, and afterbirth infested grounds called The Calving Lot.
10. Love the life you live and when things get messy find the humor in it! Pray for more moisture and take care of those mommas and babies! Including your own ;)
