04/22/2026
TOP SECRET // EYES ONLY: THE MISSION EXPANDS
Citizens of Sumter,
Following the overwhelming success of the Lafayette Drive Operation and my subsequent survival of the 2026 Gastro-Crisis, high-ranking officials, mostly me in a pink shirt, have decided that the city needs a hero it didn't ask for and definitely doesn't deserve.
Welcome to the official field office of Code Name: Pepto.
I’ve seen the reports. I’ve heard the whispers at the gas pumps. People are scared. Scared of mystery meats, scared of vague medical diagnoses, and mostly scared of why the Department of Agriculture hasn't issued a formal statement on the structural integrity of a $5 Big Box meal.
EXHIBIT A (Attached): I recovered this specimen during a high-stakes drive-thru extraction earlier today. Notice the Spicy Nugget Disagreement. The wife tried to tell me it was acid reflux, but we all know medical espionage when we see it. This nugget is currently being held in a sterile Tupperware container until a local cow can be reached for comment.
The Mission:
I will be patrolling every fryer and heat lamp in the Sumter city limits. If a taco looks suspicious, I’m eating it. If a burger is part of a deep-state livestock quota, I’m documenting it.
I take the Pepto so you don't have to. Stay vigilant. Stay hungry.
Stay pink.
