04/04/2023
So tonight has been emotional for me, and I intend to share on this page as my goal aside from feeding people is to educate about mental illness/issue. Tonight my youngest was cleaning his room with Sherri and myself. We had a Goodwill pile and I found a mask. When I asked if he wanted me to put it in the Goodwill pile he said “no, that can’t go, that’s one of my old Halloween costumes, you always save the memories for later.” It’s bad when a 6 year old gets it more than most adults. He opened my eyes as wide as they’ve been for a while.
As I’ve made clear, I deal with PTSD and CTE, the CTE is from the concussion injuries that cause so many suicides with NFL stars and other sports athletes like Junior Seau and Wrestlers like Chris Benoit. It causes many issues but most are blackout rage, memory loss, and other issues like that. It’s awful. I forget everything and stress makes it much worse. Many times I’ll walk to the kitchen 4-5 times and forget what I was getting, I’ll call someone and forget who I’m calling, I’ll see people I’ve known for 40 plus years and forget their names, or there’s times I’ll look at my beautiful fiancé and forget her name. It sucks, it’s embarrassing and I often find myself asking if my family would be better off without me. Now I know that’s not the case but dealing with CTE combined with PTSD makes this so much worse. For years I’ve dealt with abuse, mental, physical and emotional (yes men get abused too especially when the are raised to respect and not raise a hand to a woman even if they act like a man) that combined with the CTE triggered blackout rage issues which anyone that knows me will tell you that’s FAR FROM MY PERSONALITY! I yell, scream and say things that aren’t me at all. I’ve always been a kind, loving person who put everyone first and I will be forever and again. Here’s the issue, I’m 6’5” tall, 230 lbs. No one believes someone MUCH smaller is MY abuser. But that was the case. My attorneys even refused to present a TON of evidence because they said it was hard to believe a smaller person could abuse someone the size of myself. But it happened, I have tons of proof but again they said no one would believe me so I took the blunt of the legal beat down which made the ptsd/CTE worse! After years of this, I had a break down. I was arrested and basically tossed in jail for 6 months on bogus Contempt of court charges. The corrupt legal system ignored the issues and gave me $400 a month which was 3% of my monthly income from the business I owned. I couldn’t afford my meds on that amount so I got off them causing a second black out incident. I’m facing the repercussions for that now in the court system of Anderson County. But I’m not writing this to talk about our broken legal system, my goal is to give awareness to mental illness and how it’s ignored everywhere.
Many of us struggle with depression, anxiety and many other diagnosed or most likely undiagnosed mental struggles. I fight daily with PTSD, CTE and several other undiagnosed issues which cause sadness, anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts and much more. My meds and therapy help so much but with my issues I live with the fear of forgetting my family, friends, life events and much more. Part is due to me getting hit in the head playing sports, getting hit working on a farm and physical, emotionally and psychological abuse later on in life, that said, my point is we all have issues and in order to deal with those we need medication, therapy and support. That doesn’t make us weak, it makes us human! And anyone who says different should say it to my face but they won’t. Lol. Just know, memories always are so important and I can tell you the thought of losing them is terrifying. But part of having a mental illnesses is dealing with our fears. Just know, if I can help you deal with your fears or anything else, I’m here for you! I Love you all and I’m here even as a listening ear and a supporter even if I don’t know you. All I ask in return is you help others in the same way when you can on the good days, and those days will come. Love you all and God bless.
