08/08/2026
I have been physically assulted in two different relationships over the years. Both times I was completely dumbfounded. I never thought they would physically hurt me. I did not think they had that level of dark malice and violence in them.
I'm not going to mince words or be silent any longer. Especially living with the gut feelings I've had. The things I've gone through, my radar has become increasingly keener and increasingly more aware.
What you see, you can never unsee.
That's what happens when you go through a the crucible with someone who refuses to see their part, blames everyone around them and highly manipulates, exploits you and others for their own personal gain. Many times I was asked by this man I desperately loved "Why do I do the things I do for you?" I was asked that on the regular 6 months or so into the relationship. I was expected to answer "Because you love me".
It was always kinda awkward. I was never comfortable with that. At first I thought. Oh, he sees its hard for me to accept help or love I suppose. But looking back it was programming. Good men with no agenda dont have to tell you who they are good. They just are. They just do. And they dont have manipulative ways to tell you or insinuate love. Yes, he told me he loved me. And often. However their was so much leverage.
It was this one, my most recent relationship and the one that was most devastating ending was December of 2024. Only a month after physically assulting me (in my own barn) he passed by me on the road and asked for me to pick him up at O'Riellys. That was Jan 2025. He was having truck problems and in a jam. I did not oblige. That was yet really another devastating event at the end of the relationship. We were friends, colleagues for over 15+ yrs. I always respected him in so many ways. He was what I saw as one of the good ones. A wholesome guy, good family man. I really respected him.
I fell hard after having some intial reservations at the beginning in 2023. He absolutely insisted on coming to help me. And going to work for me the summer/ fall of that year. I was reassured in so many ways that my reservations were nothing to worry about. He had gone through a tough separation and divorce. And really was still in the process. I really respected that. And all parties. I was concerned about the timing. His healing and just the fear of masking pain or troubles in a new relationship. But he assured me that he could really help me and we could build something. He respected me. And I him. I wanted to do that slowly. After some time we really had fired on all cylinders. As well we became a heck of a team. He helped me in some areas I needed. And helped build confidence in areas I needed it. He really brought some elements into focus for me and helped me raise my shoeing practice to another level. In so many ways. He had always had timely appointments in my life over the years. I really looked up to him professionally and as a big brother. He helped me at some critical junctures in my career in the past.
He worked hard for me in our relationship. He helped us with some incredible projects on our little place. And we worked hard together. We worked well.... I will always appreciate that. It seemed absolutely timely. In so many ways. Divinely appointed. Again. Perhaps it was.
Lessons.
We had alot of great times. As I said he did some really great things for us and our little ranch property. He helped me navigate some tough dynamics after my Dad passed. And I was juggling a full book of clients as well as very loose ends of my Dad's/ family estate, Dads passing and some tough family business as well a complete remodel on the old family home. He is a phenomenally talented hand. At nearly anything he applies himself to. A brilliant engineer and builder. I believed in him with all my heart. And then some. We had amazing opportunities. Cool memories. Wonderful work days. Heaven like. What could be better in life than shoeing horses and riding c**ts with someone who had grown to be your absolute bestie and sweetheart?! I wasn't sure I would find something like that. I had always hoped.... I absolutely adored him. I really cherished him. I was beyond smitten. This was deep. It felt real.
At least it was for me.
There were times it could be brutal with alot of verbal and mental abuse. I did not see it at the time. I loved him dearly and fought hard for "us" thinking we'd just be in a tough spot. Or somehow it was my fault. He admitted alot of fault in the beginning. And did want to work through things that came up. But, the hot/cold behavior was a nightmare to live out. I would get blamed for "spiraling", for being devastated for incredibly nasty remarks, disrespectful behavior from him or betrayals. I am a lifter. If I'm with someone. I lift. I carry my load. And I am.happy too. I'm not saying I am with out fault. But I fought hard for us. Likely too hard.
I gave him space.....I always ALWAYS respected his need to see his kids. Hustle hard to support his agreement. I hustled right there with him. I respected that. It made me love him all the more. I thought and saw he wanted to really make things right. In all ways. We talked about doimg the hard stuff. I was all for it. I respected time to deal with stuff he needed to. I absolutely respected his ex. I saw her side. I really tried to raise his awareness in some areas. Kindly.
Yes I would be caught off guard and really disappointed when he dipped out quickly or wanted to cut out when we had plans. That's painful. Towards the end he kept me on shifting sand.
It could be so wonderful. And then come crashing down. I would fight harder for us. Be more understanding. Albeit the deep disappointments or just plain disrespect. Do I wish I wasn't so emotional at times. Absolutely. But I was not alone in this. I could not comply enough. And my boundaries eventually were tedious to him and irrelevant. 💔
It didn't matter how much I threw in. Kept a stocked pantry. Cooked, cleaned, cared. Loved hard. Got him gear. Invested. Sent care packages. Sent money. Managed his stuff. Waited for his phone calls. Listened with care, concern. Always trying. My guts out. I shod his horse. He loved that. He'd brag on that. He'd brag on me......but there was this other side.
And a side I didn't even know about.
My mistake was to keep letting him come back at the end. The last time I did he nearly broke my neck. And I believe it is in part why I am fighting the ankle issues I am. I was really crippled up after the assult. For several weeks. As I was bloodied up and bruised. I had gravel embedded in my temple and hands. I fought an infection for a couple weeks in my hands and my wrists had taken a hell a beating. I already had neck issues. It didn't help that situation at all.
It was a most brutal thrashing. In my own barn I had opened up to him. I shared everything I owned with him. Literally the shirts off my own back.....Compounded with heartache, betrayals and devastating discoveries.
What set him off? My crime?
Asking for truth. Holding his phone. And ultimately protecting it in the altercation. Asking for honesty and he felt cornered.
After months of complete nonsense and giving me the run around I couldn't take it anymore. I pleaded for what the actual was going on. I was not combative. I was a broken, contrite woman asking for the math to math. Holding his phone. I kept it pressed to my chest. Protecting it. Protecting him. Please just talk to me.....And at certain point sitting in his truck. Like old days. Please talk to me.......please........
It was a standoff of sorts I suppose.
I could not live like this. Dipping in and out at the end. Wanting me, needing me and then disappearing. Needing work, money. Stuff I thought he had given me. Wanting me physically and emotionally one day and then cold as ice and cruel as hell the next.
😓
In the end his image, his deception was more important to protect than my personal safety, history of a very long friendship/ professionally and then a what I thought had developed into a year long + valued significant partnership and amazing love.
How do you tackle someone you love from behind and thrash them brutally against the hard granite? Then when that does not get the accomplished result they wanted, they grab you by the neck and braid and try to break your neck as hard as they can as they thrash your head against the ground. I turned my head sideways to avoid breaking my nose. So the embedded gravel in my temple. My Hands, elbows, knees.
His knees in my ass and thigh. Stepping on me, my ankles as he did all this. I fought for all I was worth to not get turned over. I never wanted anything like this....I just want an honest conversation. This went on for many thrashings and minutes. I lost count of. I kept asking him please stop...please stop... At some point I could not take my neck being wrenched and thrashed. I screamed three times at the top of my lungs. Again after asking him repeatedly to please stop.
Finally he let me go and got off of me, fell on his ass and sobbed against the wall in my barn ally way. Nearly vomiting.
The first words out of his mouth were, "He couldn't get in anymore trouble. Please don't call the cops... "
Which was the last thing on my mind. I was absolutely mind blown. I staggered to my feet and then staggered to his truck and set his unblemished phone back in his truck. Guilt washed over me. I felt like this was my fault. Again. Like all the other things that I was blamed for at the end. And fought hard to love him, to prove my worth.... I had never in the history of our relationship even looked at his phone. He would often set it in my purse. And have me keep it for him. Alot!!
I knew the old code. He gave it to me. I never used it. Ever. And I certainly did not that day. I just held it. To my heart. Asking for what was going on. He was constantly on my phone throughout our relationship. I never thought a thing of it. Little did I know the firestorm it would light by my action that day. Or the repercussions. And the fallout.
I payed this man well. And tipped him heavily. I was happy too. He worked hard for me and my family. My mom took care of him like a son. We loved him and all of his family. We adored him. Even the hard parts he came with. And I thought he did with us. I threw all in. Whatever we needed to do to pull the wagon called life together. And all that entailed in his past I was more than willing to help pull. Help Unpack, whatever.
I thought it was the same for me with him. He so many times told me "We have each others backs".... and for a time I do believe. It was special.
And that is what makes the hard, so hard. It was special. It was good. This wasn't like anything I'd got to have. I held it in such a regard. I held him with such regard. 😞
As time had went on I was blamed for so many things.
I had survived a pretty nasty ordeal at 17 years old at the hands of someone I trusted. I was r***d and had to fight my way out of a bad internship. I "mistakenly" shared that information with this man I loved. I thought he should know. I thought we were headed towards marriage. We talked seriously about it. And I thought that was important to share with him.
(He took a outfitting job the summer of June 2024 and it was going to be a time of us both seeking the Lord. To confirm or not what the Lord had for us.....I was supposed to come up. Help. Visit. He assured me then. It changed nothing between us. We were still together. )
He used my past against me and told me it the r**e/assault was my fault. Being plied with alcohol and not "fighting" the man made the r**e my fault. Not fighting hard enough to get out in those remaining 6 months of nightmare wasnt good enough. I must have wanted it. 💔
And the fact I had any relationships before "us" made me kinda used goods. He was disgusted with me for something 25+ yrs ago I endured and lived through in an engagement I had. It was a tough deal. He was offended when finding old pics in old albums I had completely forgotten about. Even keeping one of an ex and me from 25 yrs ago. That was devastating. And in a sick way made me fight harder for my own honor. To prove myself. Worthy. 😑 ( I've only been in a few serious relationships. Just stating facts. No shame or pride. It is what it is. )
His theory on "living together" was those relationships never do well later in marriage. Although he pushed 100% for living together. I was in a losing battle, but the good times absolutely kept me invested. We could get through this. Right?! He often assured me yes. And we did....
(It was NOT this way in the beginning.)
I've been very silent and private about that part of my life. Perhaps of the shame of the ending that it carries. And the things that I look back at I endured. I questioned myself so hard. Beat myself up for so much. Even the end. But I've come to a cross roads. I am done accepting blame and shame from men that wounded me so brutally. Especially men that I really looked up to.
I'm done protecting men that abused me and all but destroyed me.
You can be thankful and define that a Man helped you in your career, in many ways. That he did incredible good.
But you can also talk about the parallel of evil that he brought against you.
What is done in the dark. Will be exposed in the light.
Love covers a transgression. But not a pattern of abuses and betrayals. We are to expose the darkness. Help others. Confront predator behavior and evil.
I kept this relationship very private. I protected it. I wanted the slow burn. I wanted this to pass the test. Healing for both of us....I wanted to know this was real and we had the long haul.....not just superficial social media likes and attention. Not just a flash in the pan.
I was chastised for my social media under a "I just care about you and want to protect you"..... so I was always hesitant to post, really anything. And I was actually asked to take some of my pics down. No judgment here....but I do not and have never posted anything provocative of myself. Not so much as clevage. Or what I thought was a unbecoming angle or provocative ones.
But I honored the wish. And kept my posts fairly impersonal or work related at that time. Again, thought I was being honoring of his request. Again I wanted to give us time. We both had a lot we'd been through. I had lost my Dad only a little over a year before we got together. Alot of family business...as did he, divorce aftermath, kids leaving the nest, spreadingtheir wings....
Time and prayer are excellent crucibles to test a relationship and trust. I didn't want to rush anything. I really respected his past and everything it entailed. I thought it was vise versa. I was assured so.🙁
Let me tell you something.
I refuse to walk in shame any longer. I refuse to tip toe through this journey of life any longer. I'm not here to please anyone. Or stand in the shadows. Or make myself small or palatable.
If this is too much.....it's not for you. Choke on me whole.
I dont have to be your cup of tea or shot of wh***ey for that matter.
If my story saves one woman.
Than it is worth to tell. Thats why I tell it. And I will.
Because as the old saying is true, "Dead men tell no tales"....is absolutely correct.
I'm alive by the grace of God from what could have otherwise been.
A man I desperately loved, had come to cherish and do anything for..... tried to delete me. We can blame demons, a bad season in his life, heat of the moment anger/rage.... I suppose me......but the fact remains he is 100% responsible for his actions regardless if he will be 100% accountable.
It has taken me this long to fully process what he did to me.
I'm still processing. And healing.
Between shame and some kind of false loyalty.....
Be damned!!
The things I discovered in the aftermath and even the months and months following have been indeed mind blowing.
I still struggle this man had the capacity.....and did what he did.
Lies, manipulation....Orbits of different women.
And the balls to full on bring another woman's c**t to my place he was seeing as he was acting as though he wanted to patch things up with me and come back to work for me. And had kept her( both of us) in the blind as an orbit and option.
I guess cattle, land and inheritance talks.
Bull s**t walks.
I wasn't without fault in this relationship. As I said before.
I have cracks of my own. My armor is not without blemishes. Or my record.
But I never abused him. Was their reactive abuse. Yes. I believe so.
I gave far, far too much. Didn't understand the signs given me. Just thought he/ we was/ were in a rough patch. (As was I reeling from losing my dad. And the grieving process as he his what was a catastrophic loss. )
And I will full own allowing him back into my life. Again.
I beyond gave my guts out. The level of investment. In all the ways. I had the ability to invest. So I did. He was worth it to me.♥️ All of him. I loved all that he came with. I wasn't afraid. I really thought this was it, our chance at something great.
I cracked and got upset or disappointed. Yes. I wish times my delivery and timing on conversations and issues had of been better.😞
I have fought a lot of patterns from my past. I really thought this was different. I really thought this was a second chance for each of us at the time. And I was lead to believe that moving forward.
This was a very costly lesson. That could have cost me so much more.
I am here for a reason.
And if part of that reason to be a Momma Bear with a story that could save another. I will absolutely share it.
Never let a man show you who they really are and not believe them. Because you may not get a second chance.
Good men do not scream at you in front of their friends.
They do not compare you to other women. EVER. ESPECIALLY other women.
No matter the story you heard about an ex. Maybe she was crazy. Maybe he was the reason. ( Pro tip; always give the "crazy ex" the benifit of the doubt before the dude you are with. Because if it's true, in time you'll know either way and spare yourself investment and heartache in that story if it's not. And the embarrassment. What they did to her, they will likely do to you. Or possibly worse.)
Good men will not talk down to you, belittle you or call you names. Especially at your own kitchen table.
They will not act verbally abusive or physically violent when you tell them "NO" for physical intamacy. No matter your reason.
Married or not.😐
Verbal abuse is not always curse words or foul language directed at you. It can be disguised as religious language, backhanded compliments, nasty little statements or names you don't like to be called. Or something said in "care" for you. To diminish or demean.
Using your stuff to help the other women. 🫤 😐
Changing plans unexpectedly and blaming you for not accommodating it.
Dipping out. Then accuse you of jealousy. Not understanding. Spiraling. 😒
Good men do not cuss your own Dad to your face. Then take his best shirts and jackets and wear them.
Good men do not lean on you to pay for their past. They handle their business and come clean.
Good men make mistakes. Own them. They do not make you endure patterns of their tomfoolery and abuses.
Good men respect your wishes and boundaries.
They don't project their issues onto you. They don't call you Dr.Jeckel and Mr.Hyde when you react to their very abuse. Because good me dont abuse. Or project.
Good men dont ask "where did the sweet girl I met go?" after they have given you savage treatment. And you them draw the line in the sand.
Good men will make mistakes.
And they will make things right.
Not in words or broken promises. But action.
Beware.
Because all the above sounds like how could you ever stay with that?!.....The shame others will try to inflict or you will beat yourself up with........these kind of men weave and lace amazing times and opportunities with the incredible betrayals and heartaches. You were programmed. This was less about love and more about access. Supply. And ways to regulate themselves through you.
You do not need to be "useful " to a good man. A good man will go out of the way for a woman he loves. He will absolutely exhibit a pattern of sacrifice without reminding you of why he does it. Good men are scared of hurting you.
Yes, be good partners to each other. Not prey and predator.
Own your part.
Realize that stalking and trying gain access to you through manipulating others to talk to you is a tactic on their part. Showing up at your clients or places of work is absolutely insane and unacceptable after a physical assult and break up. Especially with a new girl in tow.😶
Even low key stalking is never dismissable. Regardless of the context or time. In a relationship or out.
Especially if they are already in another relationship. 🙄
Bad men will use your greatest talents and skills as well as your weaknesses to elevate and launch themselves, all the while you are left to pick up the pieces of your life in confusion and devastation of their sudden departures.
Then there is always a great excuse or crisis for them to need you. And come back. 😑
All of this happened and more in this particular relationship. 😓
My mistake was to not leave. He would not break up with me.
When I asked him where I stood. It was as clear as mud. I got in trouble for telling a client I thought we had. It took being physical assulted to know we were done.
Don't be that gal.
Some Broncos dont need to be saddled or rode. You have nothing to prove.
Lessons.
And dont ever make a man angle you or feel like you are in competition with another Woman. Or his ex. Or somehow make you live in her shadow(s). EVER.
What a prision.
Because it is a trap/ prison. To keep you hooked. And fighting to be the "better" woman. It keeps you proving your worth. And your faithfulness. Men who play victim use this tactic well. They destroy or elevate women in their past and tell you how victimized they are or how you need to step up. They do this to manipulate you to perform and try harder... because you are the one responsible for carrying the relationship success or failure.
Lessons.
I will full on high five, clap for, cheer on, hug, support any one of my exe's significant others!!
I also will for any ex's ex. Power to them. Ask them. True story!
But don't you dare make us compete with each other.
There are no comparisons.
PERIOD.
Wild....what man would tolerate that.....
Respect the woman. As we respect the man.
Never once did I compare this man to my past or an ex.
Yikes.
I was single so long before him, Jesus was my only emergency contact!
Yet when my past was picked at or brought up, I was given shameful remarks and feedback.
There are red flags and signs we sadly do not see because of the filter of our life experiences, training, formidable years. It takes touching that hot stove. Again. Saddling that bronc. Again. The first round wasn't your fault. But as soon as you see the pattern. Maybe change your game plan. Walk away. Run.
LEARN.
I've just never been a runner. Call me stubborn and gritty. And I never backed down from a bad horse, soon enough. My fault learning that a little late in life.
Indeed.
I do believe my story is critical to someone else's survival.
So I won't stand in the shadows any longer.
I so wish I/we would have had a different ending. One of integrity and honesty. Respect intact. I loved/ adored this guy on a absolute friends and person level beyond the deep romantic relationship we developed at the end. Devastating to have fall out on all spectrums.
I can take alot of things with honest communication.
But I can guarantee you I will never take another beating.
There is an old saying....."I can love a man, but I can also shoot one."
You better believe it honey.
I hope this man can change. I hope he truly has a come to Jesus as he claimed he had before we got together. I have prayed many prayers for him.
At a distance. As it should be respected that way.
I get it. It comes in process. And I was part of his process. Not his person. I can accept that. I have.
The healing, discovery of truth, forgiveness and processing it all has been such a journey.
The way it ended and the events that followed made it clear that there was never even really respect? I have come to sadly regret our ever meeting or our paths crossed. That's been hard. I really gave alot of grace and credit....until I couldn't unsee it all.
But in the end is that who they really are? What they do at the demise of it all?
Was it all a lie? It is so hard to frame the past. To give it context when so much deception exists. And its a hella process to grieve.
I want to believe there is a good man in there. For the sake of so many things he claims to care about. But he has to confront those demons. Not another woman. Or anyone else. He must.
He never made it right. But continued behavior that confirms he was very unstable, unsafe and harbors more rage, demons and deciet. I hope that changed...for whomever is in his life.
Forgiveness is one hella damn process.
Don't throw your life away for "hope" a man can change or get better. Or that they are working on themselves when they tell you so.
But it is all actually very different in action. And when the chips are down.it is not your job to teach him to be a better one. If he needs your "help" in basic human decency.
Not your man.
Stop second guessing yourself.
Lies can't be covered and out run forever. They always have a pesky way of catching up. Don't get caught in the cross fire. Don't.
You have no idea what it costs you.
Until it does.
Dont be used as a shield for a man. His past and unwillingness to change or do the right thing.
Some men like to keep up appearances. Some like you so they can get back at an ex. And some just want a warm body. They are chameleons. They write the story and become the leading role you dreamed of.
Until they decide it's not sustainable. With little to no warning. And alot of intermittent reward and reinforcement in between.
Some men can not exist with out having a woman around. Someone to grind against, to cast blame and disgrace. To elevate themselves agaist.
They dont want you to shine. They keep you playing small.
Once you see it.....you cannot.
And once you cross the Rubicon. There is no going back....
There is so much more for you.
But we all must make chess moves for our lives that seem best. Don't we? At the time. Better the future. Hindsight as they say is always 20/20.
You always think you are the exception. Until you are not.
I thought I was. It was so good. Until it wasn't.
If you ever think you could be in a bad deal or abusive relationship dynamic... Especially if you are constantly second guessing yourself.... you likely are.
Do not isolate!! Check in regularly with friends and family. Have a strong support system. Get counseling. Keep talking!! If someone won't listen, find a new friend(s)!! Be open to what others see. Listen to the small voice. Your gut. Your intuition. Those are God given gifts. Don't let the fear of losing a guy keep you in something bad. A good man won't lose you. He will not risk behavior that could if he truely values you.
Let them lose you. What one man won't do....A good one will.
Be wise about your exit. Move silently. Do whats right for you. Not the abuser.
You are worth more than things
.. or a cheating, lying, abusive relationship.
What a hard lesson that has been. It is not you job to keep apologizing for their behavior.
Protect it or cover it. Ever.
When you see it. Believe it.
Take care of you.♥️👠👠
The right man will never make certain demands of you or leverage you in any way. And cheating is NEVER ok. On any level. It was NOT your fault. Never justified. Sure, mistakes can be made. Not patterns. And sadly in this day and age it often accompanies a very dangerous and violent spirit. Beware of the slick tounged devils that hide themselves in the sweetest looking all around package. Religion all dressed up.
Some advice from my Dad;
Always ride a fast horse, head on a swivel, keep your powder dry and your weapon handy.
This Momma Bear over and out.
🐻♥️
~JAC
July 2026
“Abusers are often con artists and will coerce their victims into returning and returning and returning.”
