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The Cuban Bear Eats

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The Cuban Bear Eats

Semi-witty foodie who has worked in 34 states and eaten in thousands of restaurants and writes about it, because I'm fat.

08/30/2026

I happened to be in Tennessee when Dolly Parton died. I drove from Chattanooga straight to her statue in Sevierville. After walking away crying, I felt like I deserved a FAT Southern lunch.

I found Applewood Farmhouse Restaurant. As I drove in, it looked like an amusement park. It was humongous and had a separate bakery. I knew I wanted no part of that, or I'd walk out with 89 apple cider donuts and apple pies.

I figured fried chicken would be like drowning my sorrows. The server walked up with two little fried balls coated in powder sugar. They were apple fritters. Did I mention that I'm glad I didn't walk into the bakery?! Next she brought me a complimentary apple juice. How many free apple products are they gonna give me?

The platters come with a small potato soup. It was pretty good. My 3 piece chicken came with mashed potatoes and a side. I picked more fried food, the okra. I was disappointed that the mashed potatoes didn't come with gravy. I could have used some gravy pouring through my veins. The fried chicken hit the spot. Tears dropping on my battered chicken, as I thought of Dolly.

As I left, I thought about going to the bakery. I still had a 2 hour drive, and I didn't trust myself with 97 donuts.

08/27/2026

I was in Chattanooga, TN when I heard about Dolly. The hotel breakfast let me cope by eating my body weight in biscuits.

08/20/2026

On Sunday, we went to church with Sara's stepmom and dad. I kept falling asleep. My humongous head would drop down like a bobblehead. Sara would squeeze my hand to wake me up. My mom used to do something similar, except she'd pinch the s**t out of my arm. After church, we went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch.

The menu was pretty simple. All lunch combos, and they were all $9.99 each. Don't get me started about the new "Chinese-American" restaurant that just opened up in Asheville, where entrees start at $16. Not in Knoxville! Here you order an entree, it comes with fried rice and either a soup, or egg roll. Did I mention that's all for less than $10?!

I decided to get something I had never tried, Kan Shao chicken. I had to Google it. It's a classic Chinese stir-fry featuring pieces of chicken cooked in a savory, spicy, and slightly sweet reddish-brown sauce, with a bunch of veggies. Sara's dad ordered the same thing. We got along splendidly. Sara got a boring healthy veggies plate. They all picked a soup, while I ordered an egg roll. I also ordered crab rangoon. Sara said that was enough, but it's never enough, so I also ordered fried dumpling.

The crab rangoon came out first. They were pretty good. Then came the fried dumplings. Sara shook her head and said their was no need for the dumplings. I of course, disagreed.

Our server brought out their soups. She places each on the table. She then looks at me, and with a straight face says, "No soup for you!" Sara and I start laughing. I have seen the "Soup N**i" episode of 'Seinfeld' a hundred times. I couldn't believe someone used that line on me.

I judge a Chinese restaurant by the fried rice. If it's not yellow and super greasy, it's a good sign. This was great fried rice. My Kon Shao chicken was pretty good. It was just like AI told me, spicy and slightly sweet.

08/19/2026

It is with great sadness that I must inform you that I will never speak to any of you again! How could you?! No one ever told me about "7-Up" cake!!

Now, I have heard of this what I thought was an abomination to desserts, but I never really saw it in the wild.

I was in rural Tennessee, at a farm store, when I saw it in the refrigerator. For $2.99, I got me a slice. I had zero expectations. I took a bite and was bewildered. How could this be?! How is this a thing?! How is this the most delicious cake I've ever had?! Where has 7-Up cake been my whole life?! The "moisticity" of this cake. Yes, I invented a new word because I know everyone loves the word "moist" so much.

The South has been hiding the 7-Up cake from me for too long!! What's next, a Coca-Cola cake?!

08/18/2026

I am traveling in Tennessee for work. I found this at a farm. I need stock ownership of this coffee milk.

08/17/2026

Sara and I went to the Buc-ees in Sevierville. It wasn't my first time, but I still acted like a kid at Disney World. Sara tried her first Buc-ees brisket sandwich. I thought about leaving her there after she grabbed a Cuban sandwich, but I was surprised that it was actually delicious. I was boring and grabbed a veggie burrito. It was better than I thought it would be. We got a bunch of beef jerky after trying 37 different flavors. She didn't let me buy a t-shirt. I only own 895 t-shirts, and one Buc-ees shirt, so I pouted as she pulled me out of mecca.

08/16/2026

I found a donut shop by my girlfriend's dad's house in Seymour, Tennessee. I woke up early. Huntrer and I took a walk. We then drove to the donut shop. They opened at 7am. I walked in at 7:05am. I know that my girlfriend's dad likes blueberry, so I ordered 2. I got some glazed cause that's how I judge every donut shop. A couple of red velvet, cause I love anything red velvet. Salted caramel, F yes! One chocolate glazed. I ordered a dozen mini donuts, so I wouldn't attack the box of a dozen I was showing up with. They also had kolaches, and these are better than any I've had in Texas. I ate one on the way back and shared the sausage with Hunty.

I got home and saw the stepmom in the living room. I tried to be quiet. I walked right into the dogs metal water bowl. It was loud and water was everywhere. She laughed in my face. Once she was done laughing, she said, "I saw your car was gone and just knew you went for donuts!"

By the way, I got a dozen donuts, a dozen minis, and a kolache for $22.

08/14/2026

BREAKING NEWS: We went to a fancy restaurant in Abingdon, VA, and they didn't charge us $12 for "bread service." We sat down, and they gave us bread with a red pepper butter.

08/10/2026

We took a little weekend trip to Abingdon, Virginia. I couldn't believe you can be in Virginia in less than 2 hours from Asheville. I told Sara I wanted, "A FAT Southern breakfast." I found it.

We drove up, 3 sheriff's cars outside, pickup trucks galore. We walk in. I could tell we were the only tourists. It's the type of place where only locals go. You won't find a crabcake Bennie on this menu.

We found a table. I thought about the fried chicken biscuit with honey ham and cheese for $5. I said fat breakfast. That wasn't going to work. I found the "Southern Comfort." First line reads, "Lord Have Mercy, we always knew the South shall rise again!" I was excited and terrified, at the same time. An open faced biscuit, sausage patty, eggs, cheddar cheese, and home fries, smothereed in gravy. Bless your heart! I was about to have a heart attack.

Sara chose to not eat breakfast. She went with the stewed pinto beans and ham. Again, the menu mentions that this recipe ensures that "the South Shall Rise Again!"

My plate of sausage and gravy was utterly ridiculous. It came with about 67 pounds of the most perfectly cooked tiny fried potatoes. I chose scrambled eggs. They were barely visible under the 94 gallons of gravy. The homemade sausage patty was tasty and not overcooked. I had ordered an extra biscuit just to see what it would look and taste like since this biscuit was too busy holding up gravy, sausage, eggs, cheese, and taters. Just as I expected, the biscuit looked beautiful, with a golden brown top just winking at me.
Though I had judged her for not ordering breakfast, Sara's pinto beans and ham was absolutely delicious. You could tell those beans were stewed all day long in ham hocks. The pintos melted in your mouth. The sliced ham wasn't salty. It was so good. I forgot that Virginia ham was a thing. The pintos came in what looked like a 89 gallon bowl. This would be 7 meals for Sara.

Our server came by and said, "Y'all aren't from here." I got scared. Sara talked. I kept my mouth shut, for once. She told the server how we were looking for historical sites. The server told us she'd bring someone over that knew things. He came by and said, "Y'all aren't from here." I guess in a town of less than 9 thousand people, it's obvious, and just a way of saying "welcome," as scary as it sounds.

08/06/2026

She bought me a cafetera for my birthday. I've been making Cuban coffee. She thinks it has too much sugar. I just made café with a tiny bit of sugar, then poured it over ube condensed milk. Talk about sweet. I don't think she'll drink this, or she'll be flying off the wall.

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