12/13/2011
There is a definite "classical" method one should strictly follow
while one's horse is bucking
1. Ensure that you have an audience. There is absolutely no point in
being decked by your horse unless there are, oh, say a hundred
people around to watch. This way, you will have made them feel
better about their own inadequacies, and you won't have to go into
tedious detail explaining to everyone you know exactly how it
happened. It is considered good form if at least one of the audience
members is either:
A. Someone you admire and want to impress; or
B. Someone you despise and don't want to give any ammo to; or
C. Someone you have the hots for and want to impress; or
D. Your best friend, who will have no compunction in falling over,
laughing and pointing.
2. Try to be spectacular. I mean, anyone can just get bucked off and
land on their backside, can't they? You want to try to make
this "the decking to end all deckings." The Titanic of bucks. You
get the picture. Now, for this you will need the following: An
extremely acrobatic horse - you want one of those twisty-turny
jobbies last seen at the National Rodeo Championships; a supple
back - you should practice somersaults, pirouettes and handstands at
home; a hat- see, I can be sensible!!!
3. It is best if this buck comes at a time when everyone is watching
you, but no-one is prepared for what is to come. During a dressage
test is good. Your horse should be working nicely, giving no
indication that you are about to become "the person who learned to
fly." Of course, experts at this will point to the tail swishing,
the ears twitching back, and the tension around the nostrils, but
they are show-offs and should be ignored. To the uninitiated, this
will look like a dramatic performance which you and your horse have
practiced at home.
4. When the horse leaves the ground, and launches you into the air
like a cannon ball, it is far more gratifying for the crowd if you
can let out a blood-curdling yell. Kind of like William Wallace when
they cut his, um, thingies off. Practice this at home. When the
local rangers knock on your door, asking if you are keeping a wild
cougar in your back yard, you will know you have it right.
5. You should try to stay elevated as long as possible. The longer
the better. If your arms and legs fly in impossible directions, as
if you were a rag doll, you will achieve additional marks for
artistic impression.
6. When you land, try to do so with a thud! The kind of dull kind
that you hear when you drop a melon from a great height. Try not to
go "splat" - it puts the audience off their hamburgers.
7. Lie immobile for a while, as your horse runs off into the
distance. After a suitable time, raise your head and groan : "you
b****d".
