09/02/2026
🚨🎤 BREAKING NEWS FROM YA YA FARM & ORCHARD 🎤🚨
THE GREAT “NO PETS” INVESTIGATION
🎤 CALVIN:
“Good evening. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Calvin — the most handsome black Lab in Colorado, Senior Correspondent for YA YA News, Head of Farm Security, occasional blackjack enthusiast and, according to management, a dog with ‘questionable recreational habits.’
That last part is neither here nor there.
I’m reporting LIVE from YA YA Farm & Orchard, where apparently there is still some confusion surrounding our NO PETS policy.
It’s on the website.
It’s posted at the farm.
There are signs at the entrance.
Management is running out of places to put it.
We looked into skywriting, but apparently that’s cost prohibitive.
So tonight, I’ve been asked to investigate.
And before anyone asks…
Yes, your pet may be wonderful.
Yes, your pet may be friendly.
Yes, your pet may have graduated at the top of its obedience class.
It still can’t come.
And apparently I need to clarify one more thing:
When we say NO PETS, we don’t just mean dogs.
Someone actually brought a…
CAT. ON. A. LEASH.
We’ll be speaking with Ruby Grace about that shortly.
Legal has asked her not to comment until we’re live.”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“Calvin, are you smoking a cigar?”
🎤 CALVIN:
“Ruby. We’ve been live for 37 seconds.”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“I’m just asking.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“And I’m just reporting the news. Moving on.
Ruby Grace, as the self-appointed Director of Guest Relations, what can you tell us?”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“This is OUR home, Calvin. We LOVE our human visitors. I personally greet as many as possible. Children. Grandmas. Nice people with snacks. All welcome.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“But outside pets?”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“No.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“And again, we aren’t just talking about dogs.”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“Correct. NO PETS means ALL PETS.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“Which brings us back to the incident involving…”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“A CAT.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“On a leash.”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“ON. A. LEASH.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“Ruby, what would happen if you encountered a cat casually strolling through your farm?”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“My attorney has advised me not to answer that question.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“Probably wise.
Crystal, let’s bring you into the conversation. Why can’t someone simply bring their very friendly pet onto the farm?”
🐴 CRYSTAL:
“Calvin. I weigh 2,000 pounds.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“Noted.”
🐴 CRYSTAL:
“A startled 2,000-pound horse + a strange pet = PHYSICS LESSON.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“And nobody wants an unexpected science class during their orchard visit.”
🐴 CRYSTAL:
“Exactly.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“Dolly and Dude, you’ve had some experiences yourselves.”
🫏 DOLLY:
“We’ve been barked at.”
🫏 DUDE:
“Chased along our fence.”
🫏 DOLLY:
“Lunged at.”
🫏 DUDE:
“And then someone inevitably says…”
🫏 DOLLY & DUDE:
‘DON’T WORRY! HE’S FRIENDLY!’
🫏 DUDE:
“Respectfully… that doesn’t change anything.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“So you don’t like visitors?”
🫏 DUDE:
“Oh, we LOVE visitors. Come see us. Talk to us. Admire the ears.”
🫏 DOLLY:
“Buy farmstand donkey cookies.”
🫏 DUDE:
“Definitely buy the cookies. Humans are welcome. We simply don’t need them bringing another animal into OUR home.”
🫏 DOLLY:
“We don’t show up at your house with a random donkey.”
🫏 DUDE:
“Although she would.”
🫏 DOLLY:
“I absolutely would.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“Fair enough.”
🫏 DUDE:
“Calvin, aren’t YOU the dog who sits around smoking ci**rs while playing blackjack?”
🎤 CALVIN:
“My recreational activities are not relevant to this investigation.”
🫏 DOLLY:
“You’re literally smoking one right now.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“Moving on.”
🦚 FRECKLES, OFF CAMERA:
“EXCUSE US.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“Apparently the fashion department would like to make a statement.”
🦚 FRECKLES:
“This farm is OUR RUNWAY.”
🦚 THE PEACOCK LADIES:
“Obviously.”
🦚 FRECKLES:
“We have spent an unreasonable amount of time perfecting the strut, the wardrobe and the dramatic entrance.”
🦚 THE LADIES:
“It takes work to look this effortless.”
🦚 FRECKLES:
“We cannot possibly be expected to perform while random visiting animals are barking at the models.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“So you support the No Pets policy?”
🦚 FRECKLES:
“We support anything that keeps unauthorized personnel off the runway.”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“Especially cats.”
🦚 FRECKLES:
“ABSOLUTELY NO CATS ON THE RUNWAY.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“Thank you, Freckles.”
🦚 FRECKLES:
“One more thing.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“Yes?”
🦚 FRECKLES:
“Are we addressing the No Smoking policy?”
🎤 CALVIN:
“No.”
🦚 FRECKLES:
“Because there appears to be a smoking dog standing on my runway.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“This interview is deteriorating rapidly.”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“Calvin. Put the cigar down.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“I’m a journalist.”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“You’re a Labrador at a blackjack table.”
🦚 FRECKLES:
“ON MY RUNWAY.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“Can we PLEASE return to the investigation?”
🐴 CRYSTAL:
“Gladly.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“Here are the facts.
This is a working farm. The animals you visit here aren’t props. This is their home.
Outside animals can frighten or provoke the animals who live here. They can introduce disease and parasites. And management carries the liability if an interaction between animals — or a frightened 2,000-pound horse — goes badly.”
🐴 CRYSTAL:
“Physics.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“Yes, Crystal. Physics.
Our No Pets policy is posted on our website, at the farm and at the entrance.
It isn’t because we don’t love animals.
Quite the opposite.
We love them enough to protect the ones who call this place HOME.
And we LOVE having YOU visit. ❤️
We simply ask that your four-legged family members enjoy a nice afternoon at home while you come visit ours.”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“Even if they’re friendly.”
🫏 DUDE:
“Even if they’re REALLY friendly.”
🐴 CRYSTAL:
“Even if they’ve never done anything wrong in their entire life.”
🦚 FRECKLES:
“Still can’t come.”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“And neither can the cat.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“There you have it.
Please respect our animals, our staff, our home and our policy.
Calvin — the most handsome black Lab in Colorado — reporting live from YA YA Farm & Orchard…”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“Calvin.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“What?”
🐾 RUBY GRACE:
“Put. The. Cigar. Down.”
🦚 FRECKLES:
“And get off my runway.”
🎤 CALVIN:
“YA YA News… OUT.”
🚭 NO SMOKING
🐾 NO PETS
🚭🐾 NO SMOKING PETS
Thank you for respecting our home, our animals, our staff and our farm. ❤️🍎
