08/19/2026
Formal Complaint Regarding the Unlawful Abduction of My Youngest Child
To Whom It May Concern at Saint Martin’s University,
Please consider this my formal complaint regarding the impending abduction, unlawful removal, and suspiciously well-organized kidnapping of my youngest child, Fenway, scheduled to occur this Saturday under the misleading title of “move-in day.”
While your institution may refer to this event as “the beginning of his college journey,” I would like the record to reflect that I see through the branding.
You are taking my baby.
Yes, I am aware that he is legally an adult. I am also aware that he applied voluntarily, was accepted, is excited to attend, and has apparently participated in this entire scheme willingly.
These facts are irrelevant to my complaint.
For approximately nineteen years, I have invested considerable time, money, sleep, emotional labor, groceries, gas, school supplies, birthday cakes, medical appointments, questionable fashion purchases, and an incalculable amount of worry into the development and maintenance of this particular human.
Now Saint Martin’s University intends to simply… take possession of him?
On a Saturday?
With dorm keys?
This feels premeditated.
I am further concerned by the use of phrases such as “orientation,” “residence hall,” “Welcome Weekend,” and “campus community,” which appear to be carefully designed euphemisms intended to make parents believe this is a normal developmental milestone rather than an organized extraction operation.
I would therefore like to formally request the following:
1. Immediate acknowledgment that Fenway is still, in fact, my baby.
2. Written confirmation that he will remember to eat actual meals.
3. Assurance that someone will remind him that laundry does not magically become clean simply because it has been relocated to a dormitory floor.
4. Reasonable access to hugs during all major holidays, minor holidays, random weekends, emotional emergencies, and any Tuesday I decide I miss him too much.
5. A strict prohibition against him becoming so independent that he no longer needs his mother.
6. Compensation for emotional damages, preferably in the form of tuition assistance, coffee, and possibly a small support animal.
I also reserve the right to stand in the parking lot on Saturday looking emotionally unstable while pretending I am completely fine.
Please understand that I am genuinely thrilled for him. I know this is the beginning of something wonderful, and I am enormously proud of the person he has become.
Unfortunately, pride and devastation are apparently allowed to occupy the same body at the same time, which frankly seems like a design flaw.
So congratulations, Saint Martin’s.
You got him.
Please take care of him.
And kindly return him periodically.
Sincerely,
Fenway’s Mother
Chief Executive Officer, Department of Not Being Ready for This
BrennanDale Farms
