Aaron Burrell

10/11/2021

Being the youngest child has taught me that one day all the siblings will one day move out and I will get all the ice cream, and that I’m lactose intolerant.

06/08/2019

Heard the Trump will block shredded cheese in order to make America grate again, which is honestly just tariffying.

03/08/2017

Joseph was awoken by an awkward feeling, like warm spaghetti trying to escape his fingertips. He nervously coached himself through the experience by telling himself that he had been biting his nails a lot lately and that this was probably a result of that bad behavior, and he accepted the whole thing as a punishment of sorts from some metaphysical miss manners of fingertips.

He laughed at the image in his mind of a goddess of fingertips when suddenly he was flung forward out of bed, and out through his window. In a flash, he found himself soaring hundreds of feet above ground being pulled by his fingers towards what appeared to be a large flying high five, once he reached the massive object he became overwhelmed with an urge to slap it. So, he cocked back his hand, and just as he swung it forward the object disappeared and he began to fall.

As he fell to his imminent death Joseph heard a loud voice exclaim “Too Slow Joe!” but just before he hit the ground the giant hand swooped him up and carried him back to his bed, where he slept the whole thing off, and forgot all about it by morning.

08/04/2015

I was just informed I had one new like. I wish I could go back in time and tell this to my 7th grade self.

06/22/2015

I fixed my exhaust leak. Turns out I left the oil cap off in some sort of subconscious attempt to kill off a bunch of my brain cells. How long has this been going on my subconscious? And where are all facts you robbed from me over the years? I could have won college by now, but no! You had to go and get all jealous. Well now I'm going to never sleep again because I have to study extra hours to make up... Didn't think of that did you? Did you!?

06/27/2013

This my newest labor of love!

Welcome to Awesome Aaron's 10 easy steps, where I teach you to do almost anything in 10 easy steps!

06/10/2013

People of Utah!
This Saturday at 9pm at a place called Batters Up at 1717 South Main, me a couple other weirdos will be saying words into a microphone of a satirical nature. Join us won't you?!

06/07/2013

Check out this podcast, Small Town Funny. I was a guest on it this week and may or may not have said something funny or life alteringly profound.
Listen on iTunes, Sticher, or http://STFpod.com

Home of the worldwide sensation and critically acclaimed podcast.

04/25/2013

Come and see me with the Professor Blastoff Podcast tour starting this weekend!

Apr. 27 2013 Phoenix, AZ Crescent Ballroom
Apr. 29 2013 Austin, TX Scottish Rite
Apr. 30 2013 Dallas, TX Sons Of Hermann Hall
May 02 2013 Birmingham, AL Bottletree
May 03 2013 Atlanta, GA 529
May 05 2013 Washington, DC Sixth & I Historic Synagogue
May 06 2013 Philadelphia, PA Johnny Brenda’s
May 07 2013 Brooklyn, NY The Bell House
May 08 2013 Boston, MA The Sinclair
May 11 2013 Chicago, IL Abbey Pub
May 12 2013 Minneapolis, MN Cedar Cultural Center
May 15 2013 Seattle, WA The Vera Project
May 16 2013 Portland, OR Mississippi Studios
May 19 2013 Los Angeles, CA Largo at The Coronet Theater