The Loud Cow, First Floor 32-36 Jetty Rd (2026)

25/03/2026

Great news, everyone — the Wilson brand rollout across Holdfast Bay is really picking up speed… ironically, at a maximum of 30km/h.

In a bold move to solve the long-standing crisis of zero accidents in five years, we’re getting lower speed limits, more signs, and traffic lights to make sure absolutely nothing happens, even more slowly.

The project itself is now celebrating Day 236 of “almost finished”, which is impressive consistency. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it also didn’t have this many traffic studies.

Even better, the plan has expanded from Jetty Road to 19 roads, because why stop at one functioning street when you can optimise nineteen?

And the signage — chef’s kiss. At around $650 per sign, we’re looking at well over $100,000 to remind drivers they’re now travelling at the speed of a brisk jog. Value for money, especially when you’re already carrying a casual $65 million in debt.

Honestly, at this pace, maybe we could lean into it — throw in a few “trivia fatigue zone” signs so drivers have something to do while cruising along at a snail’s pace. “Question 1: What year did this project start?” (Hint: nobody remembers.)

But let’s not be negative — this isn’t just traffic management. It’s a full experience:

* Longer trips
* More stopping
* Premium-priced signage
* And the thrill of wondering when it’ll all be finished

All proudly brought to you under the ever-expanding Wilson banner.

At this rate, the only thing moving fast is the rollout of the name.

Thoughts, Holdfast Bay?

FIVEAA Peter Malinauskas 9 News Adelaide ABC Adelaide

02/03/2026

213 days.

That’s how long the Jetty Road upgrade has dragged on.

Work has stalled. Traders are in the dark about what’s happening next. Paving is still incomplete. Garden beds sit empty of dirt and plants — and the few that do have plants are wrapped in bunting to stop people walking through them.

The pavers are flooded and filthy. Boardwalk sections are scattered everywhere. It looks less like a finished streetscape and more like a worksite that’s been abandoned halfway through.

But the bigger problem is what’s happening to the businesses.

Major traders are leaving. Event Cinemas has walked away. Montezuma's has closed. New traders that were meant to bring life back to the strip are shutting their doors at record speed.

And the marina precinct — once one of the jewels of Glenelg — is slowly dying, with more and more empty restaurants.

This is one of South Australia’s most important tourism precincts. Yet after seven months we’re still asking the same question:

**When will it actually be finished?**

And where exactly is the project manager? Because from the outside it looks like nobody is in charge.

At this point we might need to start talking to a volleyball like Wilson from Cast Away — at least he eventually got rescued.

Meanwhile we’re watching council dysfunction spread across the state — from Peterborough to Berri Barmera, Ceduna, Coober Pedy and Holdfast Bay.

Five councils in crisis.

At some point we have to admit the obvious: **our council system is broken.**

So the question for Peter Malinauskas is simple:

**When will the State Government step in and fix local government?**

Or do South Australians decide the only way to force reform is to vote for someone who will — like One Nation SA?

Because right now traders, residents and visitors are the ones paying the price.

Peter Malinauskas Pauline Hanson's Please Explain The Advertiser ABC Adelaide FIVEAA 9 News Adelaide @

06/01/2026

Ah yes… Expressions of Interest.
Because after weeks of unsafe, dirty, badly designed paver-parking, we’re now being told this wasn’t a design fault at all — it was the plan all along.

Those dangerous, dirty, paver parking bays? Turns out they’re not parking anymore. Council is now effectively auctioning them off, meaning even fewer parking spaces than ever on Jetty Road.

Parking replaced by pop-ups. Access replaced by “activation”.
And just when you thought the Wilson-sized concrete volleyballs had finished multiplying… surprise — here come more.

So forget parking on Jetty Rd.
Forget common sense.
But don’t forget to email your Expression of Interest so Council can tick the “consulted traders” box while quietly removing parking forever.

ABC Adelaide 9 News Adelaide The Advertiser FIVEAA

05/01/2026

🏐 Wilson the Premier Volleyball & Official Jetty Road Commentator has been out on patrol again.

Just a few weeks in, and behold the masterpiece:
✅Dirty pavers. ✅Filthy roads. ✅Stains, grime, and mystery spills already baked in like they’re heritage-listed.

This is SA’s main coastal beach. Our postcard tourist strip.
And apparently… this was the vision.

For context, Wilson’s old-school car — no cameras, no sensors, no lane assist, just vibes — is in better shape than these brand-new Jetty Road pavers.
🤔Let that sink in.

Now the fun part: we’ve got 15 years to pay this off, and council hasn’t even bothered to clean it.
❌No lifecycle costings. ❌No maintenance plan.
Just Instagram moments — which, to be fair, lasted about the first two hours after it opened.

Council promised world-class. Instead, we’ve got paving that looks like it’s survived three festival seasons, two oil spills, and a long weekend bender — before summer even starts.

Tourists arrive expecting sun, sea, and sparkle.
What they get is grit, grime, and the unmistakable feeling this was designed for photos, not reality.

But don’t worry — somewhere in a meeting room, the render is still pristine.

Wilson will keep bouncing back.
Because someone has to keep score. 🏐

30/12/2025

If you hadn’t heard the news.

Montezuma’s is closing soon.

After years on Jetty Rd, Julie and the team are quietly serving their final meals. No fanfare. No farewell campaign. Just the slow, heavy work of ending something that mattered.

This place fed families, caught up friends, hosted first dates and last-minute dinners. It was part of the background of Jetty Rd — so familiar you assumed it would always be there.

If you’ve ever sat at a table, shared a meal, or brought someone there because it felt safe and known, please go one last time.

There’s free parking all around them on Partridge Street. Not that convenience really matters when you’re saying goodbye.

Go in. Say hello. Say thank you. Support Julie and the team while you still can.

Another light on Jetty Rd going out.

22/12/2025

🎶 Ladies singing “Frosty the Snowman” 🎶

…while Wilson the volleyball rolls gently down the street, perfectly in tune, dodging dust, cones, and responsibility.

He pauses to admire the $800,000 plastic flowers 🌸 — eternally fresh, unlike the traders funding them. Wilson approves. Low maintenance. High cost. Very on brand.

The old pavers crunch beneath him, veterans of multiple “final versions,” quietly waiting to be blamed for whatever goes wrong next.

Wilson then does what Wilson does best: blames traders for the lack of foot traffic.

Apparently customers just chose to avoid noise, dust, fencing, missing parking, and months of chaos. A mystery for the ages.

But good news! 🎉
Businesses get a whole two weeks to make up for five months of lost trade before construction fires up again.
Plenty of time. Practically a windfall. Should be no problem at all.

And don’t worry — it’s lucky nobody at Council will lose a cent.
No income lost. No rent pressure. No staff hours cut. Just solid, uninterrupted pay packets and the comforting knowledge that accountability has been value-engineered out of the project.

🎺 January 5th — construction resumes.
More disruption. More rolling excuses. More businesses rolling closer to the edge.

Wilson keeps rolling.
The carol plays on.
The traders pay the bill.

🎶 “Frosty the Snowman…” 🎶

20/12/2025

🚶‍♂️ Today we toured Jetty Road Glenelg — officially described as “complete”.

Complete, in the same way a construction site is “open” once someone removes the fence — at least on paper, in a spreadsheet, somewhere far away from Jetty Road.

What we found on this world-class precinct 👇

▪️ Hundreds of metres of plywood footpath — thoughtfully retained so pedestrians never forget the construction journey.
▪️ Dirty, already-stained pavers — nothing says “brand new” like surfaces that look pre-loved on day one.
▪️ Closed shops. Dark windows. For Lease signs. The international symbol of a thriving main street.
▪️ Car parks paved over, then redesigned so cars launch up into parks — urban planning meets pinball. Special licence advised. Floor it and you’ll be parking inside a shop.
▪️ No proper bollards, encouraging pedestrians to rely on reflexes and optimism.
▪️ Concrete balls pretending to be bollards (AS/NZS 2890) — decorative, non-compliant, and capable of stopping absolutely nothing heavier than a shopping trolley.
▪️ Design decisions so baffling they feel less like planning and more like an abstract art exhibition titled “Trust the Process”.

After months of disruption, traders are now enjoying the grand reopening bonus:
👉 plywood walkways
👉 unfinished access
👉 dirty pavers already begging to be ripped up again

We’re told Jetty Road is “open”.

Apparently “open” now means:
✔ plywood instead of pavement
✔ decorative balls instead of protection
✔ dirty pavers instead of finished works
✔ silence instead of accountability
✔ closed shops as a permanent feature of progress

If this is finished, then the plywood is permanent, the concrete balls are safety infrastructure, and the dirty pavers are just pre-aged by design.

But don’t worry — somewhere, someone has already ticked the box marked Delivered. ✔️

📻 Meanwhile on ABC Radio Adelaide 891:

The Mayor has officially blamed business owners for closing, helpfully confirming that this was definitely not a council problem

📌 Side note (still waiting):

We’re also still waiting to see:
▪️ the updated expenditure report that was redacted by Council
▪️ a Prudential Report that is actually compliant with the LGA Act
▪️ any response from Joe Szakacs MP or comment from Tom Koutsantonis MP

Transparency, accountability and governance —
apparently still under construction. 🚧

The Advertiser ABC Adelaide 7NEWS Adelaide FIVEAA

19/12/2025

What a difference a few hours makes - Jetty Road has officially reopened to traffic just in time for Christmas.

A controversial upgrade of the popular beachside strip has made for a challenging five months for Glenelg traders, with noisy roadworks turning foot traffic away.

19/12/2025

🏐 PEDESTRIAN SAFETY STATEMENT – JETTY ROAD (VOLLEYBALL EDITION)

Pedestrian safety on Jetty Road is now delivered using a high-performance volleyball model.

There are no bollards and no barriers because this is a free-play zone.
The road is the court.
The traffic is the ball.
Pedestrians are encouraged to keep their head up and stay in the rally.

Safety principles include:

* Eyes up at all times — the ball can come from any direction

* Quick lateral movement to avoid incoming vehicles

* No net — boundaries are theoretical

* Call it early (“YOURS!”) when a car approaches

* If you hesitate, you’re out of position

Council confirms this setup promotes:

* Agility

* Awareness

* Cardiovascular fitness

* Natural selection

Officials remind pedestrians that the absence of bollards is intentional, worth all of the $63 million, and any contact with vehicles should be treated as a learning experience to improve future court awareness.

Jetty Road Pedestrian Safety™
No net. No rules. Play on.

https://www.adelaidenow.com.au/news/south-australia/emergency-services-rush-to-hsin-fortuna-restaurant-in-norwood-after-car-crashes-through-window/news-story/21341ff6f39f0b4052832baac7fc5a44

17/12/2025

🏐Wilson here.

With 2 days to go — 5pm Friday — just a quick update from the vibrant precinct.

Another two businesses have closed, undone by a lack of foot traffic and sales so completely destroyed they didn’t survive the Christmas period, when businesses should be booming. Even free parking next door hasn’t helped customers reach shops they can’t physically get to.

Walking past today, I noticed another storefront now boarded up, windows thoughtfully dressed with newspaper — festive, economical, and unmistakably final.

This unfolds amid silence from the CEO, a Mayor currently missing in action, and a General Manager entering week four of margaritas and sunsets, with spirits generously supplied by the Principal Project Manager. Oversight continues remotely. Accountability remains on leave.

For clarity, when Council says “open”, this means:

* No cyclone fencing

* Parking restored (including Council resuming parking fines)

* All paving completed, not “mostly”, not “nearly”, not “after Christmas”

Anything less is not open — it’s just quieter.

Council remains confident. If you ignore the closures, the plywood, and the silence, everything is proceeding exactly as planned.

Two days to go.
5pm Friday.

Progress. 🍹📰🚪

15/12/2025

👉 Paved by Midnight, Redacted by Morning

At 5:01pm Friday, when the deadline quietly evaporates, Bitumen Bot will step in to finish the job.

Bitumen Bot (BitchBot for short) is fully AI-driven and requires no human intervention, approvals, workshops, briefings, revised briefing notes or redacted reports.

It will be joined by Real-time Automatic Paving Bot (Redactron for short), a highly efficient paving unit that does not speak, issue statements, or provide media comment. It just works, without smokos, redbull or vapes.

Together, our AI overlords will assume total control of all road and paving activity on Jetty Road, including all side streets.

Forecast completion: 11:50pm on New Year’s Eve, thoughtfully scheduled to avoid peak trading hours for small business — a concept previously labelled “aspirational”.

Media update:
7NEWS Adelaide, FIVEAA, ABC Adelaide and The Advertiser have all requested comment.

Unfortunately, the Council did not pay the Speaking Module subscription (due to budget cuts and blowouts), so no comment will be provided.

The project plan exists.
It is currently [REDACTED] for commercial sensitivity, public interest immunity, cabinet-in-confidence, and because someone missed the deadline.

No extensions.
No consultations.
No lessons learned report.

Just pavement.

14/12/2025

🚨 BREAKING: SUPREME LEADER WILSON ADDRESSES THE NATION FROM THE COMMENT SECTION 🚨

With 4.5 days to go until Jetty Road allegedly opens, civic leadership has officially relocated to a Facebook thread, where Supreme Leader Wilson now governs like a castaway who’s built a council out of traffic cones, hi-vis, and pure vibes.

Stranded deep in the comment section, Supreme Leader Wilson has declared himself Protector of the Countdown, communicating exclusively in caps, emojis, and Year 7 debating techniques.

Responses are clearly authored by people under 16, or adults who emotionally never left high school — a demographic Supreme Leader Wilson appears to recognise as his most loyal base.

Current policy submissions include:
• “LOL U MAD”
• “CRY HARDER 😂😂”
• “DO U EVEN LIVE HERE BRO”
• “I BET U DONT EVEN PAY RATES”

Spelling has been overruled.
Punctuation has been cancelled.
Facts have been exiled.

Rather than rising above it, Supreme Leader Wilson has bravely chosen to rule at their level, issuing official proclamations from his coconut-powered communications hut:
“NUH UH — IT OPENS ON THE 19TH!!”

Supreme Leader Wilson has also announced a National Jetty Road Holiday to celebrate the reopening —
or possibly to acknowledge that, given the pace of delivery, the entire project may have already been a holiday.

All of this, of course, in defence of a $41m / $65m (spin the budget wheel) infrastructure project, explained entirely through memes, vibes, and interpretive confidence.

Jetty Road may open in 4.5 days.
The comment section is a permanent regime.
The holiday… appears to have started years ago.

The Loud Cow

25/03/2026

02/03/2026

06/01/2026

05/01/2026

30/12/2025

22/12/2025

20/12/2025

19/12/2025

19/12/2025

17/12/2025

15/12/2025

14/12/2025

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