09/26/2026
Copied from Sassy Hen Homestead
Absolutely worth the entire read
I regret to inform everyone that I am under investigation.
My chickens have finally gone to HR, and unfortunately I am also HR. This has created a slight conflict of interest.
After numerous complaints, accusations and what I can only describe as an organized attempt to have management removed, the flock has completed my annual performance and workplace environment review.
I regret to report that things are not looking good for me.
Overall management rating: Needs Improvement.
The entire flock has submitted a joint statement alleging severe and ongoing starvation. Management has attempted to introduce feed receipts, full feeders and photographic evidence to the contrary and swears breakfast has never been more than three minutes late. Employees have accused management of lying under oath and maintain that three minutes is unacceptable anyway. According to the flock, they have never been fed a single day in their lives, are currently moments from death and deserve compensation for their suffering, preferably paid in mealworms while the investigation is pending.
Treat portions have been described as insulting, inadequate and “not nearly as much as that other pen got.”
Management continues to replace perfectly seasoned drinking water with fresh water without employee consent. Staff worked very hard to add dirt, bedding and p**p to that water.
There have been multiple formal complaints about how long it takes management to open the doors to their huge runs every morning. They can see outside. They would like to be outside. The excuse that I have other pens to open first has been rejected.
Several hens have complained that after spending the entire morning screaming to be let into their runs, management becomes “visibly annoyed” when the door is finally opened and they just stand there staring at it like this was never their idea. They feel this creates a hostile work environment.
The nesting boxes are technically adequate, but everyone agrees the floor in the corner is better. Preferably the exact same corner at the exact same time. Being subjected to a scolding for laying there has been deemed completely unacceptable. Employees maintain that if management wanted the eggs in the nesting boxes, she should not have provided such a lovely floor.
Several employees have filed complaints regarding inappropriate workplace touching after being picked up without warning and subjected to unsolicited butt inspections. Management insists these inspections are strictly health-related and necessary. Employees remain unconvinced and would like it formally documented that consent was neither requested nor enthusiastically given.
Management is currently under investigation for embezzlement after repeatedly removing company assets from the nesting boxes and claiming them as her own. Employees argue that they personally produced those eggs, spent upwards of 45 minutes announcing each one’s arrival to the entire county and have yet to see a single cent of the profits. Management maintains that room, board and unlimited access to food should be considered adequate compensation. The hens have rejected this explanation and are requesting an independent audit of the egg basket.
Employees would like to know why management keeps filling in the holes they worked very hard to dig. One hen estimates she has lost approximately 37 hours of excavation work this year alone.
There have also been complaints that management routinely enters the premises yelling, “What do you have in your mouth?” before chasing one employee around the run while 14 completely uninvolved coworkers join the pursuit because obviously if everyone is running, somebody has something worth stealing. The original employee then swallows the evidence whole, three others start fighting over a completely unrelated piece of grass, somebody screams, a rooster sounds the alarm despite being the least helpful person involved, and management is left standing there wondering what was eaten and whether it requires an emergency Google search. Employees maintain that this entire situation could be avoided if management would simply mind her own business.
Multiple hens have requested that the rooster be removed from the workplace for excessive office romance with multiple employees. The rooster denies any wrongdoing and insists he is simply maintaining positive relationships with his entire department.
One rooster has filed a separate complaint because management continues interfering in workplace disagreements that he was perfectly capable of settling himself. His proposed resolution was Fight Club. Management shut the operation down after discovering the other roosters were taking bets on the outcome. Several employees are now under investigation for running an underground gambling ring, although everyone involved continues to insist that what happens in the coop stays in the coop.
Several employees have accused management of discrimination and blatant favoritism after discovering that other departments have access to pens they are not allowed to enter. Employees argue that the grass is clearly greener over there, the other department’s food looks better despite being exactly the same, and anything visible through a fence should legally belong to everyone. Management maintains that employees are assigned to specific departments for very good reasons, including preventing unauthorized office romances, hostile takeovers and Fight Club expansion. Employees have rejected this explanation and are currently pacing the fence line searching for a loophole.
Employees have also requested that all future maintenance be performed without moving, hammering, drilling or otherwise touching anything. They find improvements to their living conditions extremely nerve-racking and are requesting compensation for the emotional distress. Their preferred form of therapy is emotional binge eating of large quantities of mealworms at management’s expense.
The younger employees have filed a complaint regarding management repeatedly staring at them, inspecting their combs and muttering, “You better be a pullet.” They insist their gender is private information and will be disclosed when they are ready, preferably after management has spent 10 weeks calling them a good girl, given them a name, picked them as a favorite and planned their entire future in the breeding program. At that point, they reserve the right to grow suspiciously shiny saddle feathers overnight and begin crowing at 5:37 the following morning.
Several employees have requested that management stop investigating every suspicious noise. They would like the freedom to cough, sneeze, stand weird or close one eye without someone immediately assuming they are dying.
The entire staff would like it documented that the appearance of a feed bucket constitutes an emergency requiring everyone to immediately crowd around management’s feet, trip over each other and attempt to be the first to a feeder containing the exact same food they already had access to. Employees feel that being reprimanded for repeatedly trying to kill management via chicken-induced ankle injury creates an unnecessarily hostile work environment. They would also like it noted that if management would simply walk faster, none of this would be necessary.
There has also been a formal complaint regarding management’s strict bedtime policy. The flock argues that being forced to return to the coop simply because it is dark, they cannot see and every predator in Georgia has clocked in for the night is an outrageous restriction of their personal freedom. Employees insist they have important after-hours business to conduct, including scratching one last hole, eating one last bug and standing just outside the coop door debating whether they actually want to go through it. They also object to management using phrases such as “I swear, if I have to come back out here one more time…” and feel these statements create unnecessary tension in the workplace. Their request for an open-ended curfew has been denied on the grounds that management would eventually like to take a shower and sit down.
And finally, the entire flock would like to formally dispute management’s repeated claims that she “does everything around here.” Employees would like it noted that they contribute plenty. They dig holes, redistribute bedding immediately after it has been replaced, dismantle anything management attempts to improve, p**p on freshly cleaned surfaces and provide constant verbal supervision while she works. Frankly, they are not sure how she would manage this place without them.
Despite numerous complaints, several HR violations, allegations of embezzlement, an underground Fight Club, unauthorized workplace romances and what management considers an unreasonable amount of paperwork, the flock has reluctantly agreed to renew my contract for another year.
My performance has not improved. They just haven’t found anyone else willing to work seven days a week for no pay while being screamed at, p**ped on and routinely investigated by their own employees.
Management considers this job security.
The flock considers it a staffing shortage.
Either way, I know where the mealworms are, so negotiations ended quickly.
