09/21/2026
I didn’t realize how much of me was built around knowing he was there.
I went on a call the other day, and I felt his absence before I even had words for it.
It wasn’t simply that he wasn’t there.
I was missing half of me.
For 16 years, Will and I have served together.
His first calls as Duty Officer, I was in the seat beside him.
When the plane crashed, we were side by side, first on scene and then afterward taking care of what was left so that our crews didn’t have to.
My first call as a paramedic was one of the hardest calls of my life, cutting down a friend who had died by su***de.
He was there.
Right beside me.
He has stepped between me and violent patients.
He has stood behind me when I was overwhelmed and in over my head.
He noticed the things I missed…
the sh***un by the door,
the person behind me,
the danger I hadn’t seen.
He was always watching.
Watching the room. Watching me. Watching my back while I watched everyone else’s.
And if you’ve ever watched Will work, you know.
He was exceptional.
One of those first responders who somehow became calmer as everything around him became chaos. The kind of person you wanted beside you when things went sideways.
Watching him work was almost an art form.
He didn’t need to be the loudest person in the room.
He didn’t need to prove anything.
He just had this way of making chaos feel manageable.
And somewhere over those 16 years, we developed a language that didn’t need words.
A glance.
A movement.
A look across a room.
We just knew.
When COVID hit, I was afraid. Not just for myself, but for our family. For our kids. For what we might bring home.
And Will calmed that fear.
He reminded me who we were.
He reminded me what we were capable of.
Because emergency services was never just something we did.
We spent years in a volunteer department, and sometimes I had to remind him, and myself, that not everyone was there for the same reasons.
Some people were there for the social life.
Some for the camaraderie.
Some for the shirt.
We weren’t.
We were there because somewhere along the way, this became part of the very fabric of our bones.
Emergency services became deeply woven into who we are.
For people like us, it is almost akin to breathing.
You don't think about breathing.
You just do.
You show up.
You answer the call.
You step toward the things most people instinctively step away from.
And for 16 years, we did that together.
Through some of the worst days of our lives.
And some of the most meaningful.
We watched each other grow.
I watched him become a leader.
He watched me become a paramedic and then a leader as well.
We challenged each other. Pushed each other. Made each other better.
And somewhere along the way, the line between partner at home and partner on the call disappeared.
He became part of how I moved through the world.
That's what makes this so difficult to explain.
Because people can say,
"You've been going on calls on your own for years."
And they're right.
I have.
But I was never really alone.
Because somewhere in the back of my mind was always the certainty:
If this one is bad enough, he'll come.
He always did.
We talked about it the other night.
He also reminded me that I've been going on calls on my own for years.
And I told him, in my own way, that maybe I had.
But I always knew that if I needed him, he would come.
Now he can't.
And I feel the difference.
When I come home, I have to explain what I saw.
What happened.
What stayed with me.
What I couldn't shake.
Before, sometimes I could sit beside him after a call and say absolutely nothing.
Because he was there.
He had seen it.
He knew.
The silence was enough.
That's the kind of partnership you build after 16 years of standing in the worst moments of people's lives together.
It's more than marriage.
More than friendship.
More than working together.
It's trust built in chaos.
It's knowing where the other person is without looking.
It's knowing someone is watching your back while you're trying to save someone else's life.
It's having someone who sees the cracks before you admit they're there.
Someone who catches what you miss.
Someone who pushes you to be better.
Someone who will step between you and danger without thinking twice.
Will is my husband.
But on calls, he was also my partner, my extra set of eyes, my safety net, my protector, my constant.
My best friend.
And I never realized how much of my ability to breathe came from knowing he was somewhere behind me.
Until he wasn't.
For 16 years, I knew that when I walked toward the worst moment of someone's life, I wouldn't have to carry it completely alone.
There would be someone behind me.
Watching the room.
Watching the exits.
Watching the danger.
Watching me.
The person I never had to look for.
I simply knew where he was.
And now I catch myself looking.
In the passenger seat.
At the door.
Across the room.
Somewhere behind me on a call.
And for one tiny moment, my body still expects him to be there.
Then reality catches up.
And he's not.
I can still do the job.
I can still treat the patient.
I can still make the decisions.
I can still walk into the hard things.
But there is a difference between being capable of standing alone...
and having someone you never had to stand without.
For 16 years, I had him.
And maybe that's what I'm grieving.
Not that I can't do this without him.
But that I never wanted to have to.
Because wherever the call took me, no matter how dark it became, there was always one certainty underneath the chaos:
If I needed him, he would come.
He always came.
And now I have to learn how to walk into the darkness...
without hearing his footsteps behind me.
Because emergency services may be akin to breathing for people like us.
But somewhere along the way,
he became part of that breath.
And now, on the calls where I used to know he was there,
I am trying to breathe with half of me missing.